


All The Peace You Could Never Find

by cathcer1984



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Mildly Dubious Consent, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-15
Updated: 2018-01-15
Packaged: 2019-03-05 10:37:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13386060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cathcer1984/pseuds/cathcer1984
Summary: Merlin was Arthur’s best friend they went through everything together. Until they became fuck buddies and Merlin started to hide his cutting and shut Arthur out.





	All The Peace You Could Never Find

**Author's Note:**

> From this kinkme_merlin post:
> 
> Arthur/Merlin From a recent PostSecret Sunday Secrets post: "I keep my braclets on when we have sex, so he won't know I started cutting again... because this fuck buddy thing is killing me." With two male symbols drawn in the corner, I automatically thought of Arthur and Merlin.
> 
> Title from Daughtry’s song Open Up Your Eyes.

Arthur watched the pale chest move up and down with each breath, his eyes tracing down his belly to the limp cock and slender thighs the sheet covering the rest of the long legs. His eyes traced back up the torso to lightly freckled shoulders down equally pale arms which were marred only by identical inch wide black leather bracelets.

Lightly Arthur traced the tip over his finger over the worn material. He and Merlin had been friends for years; Merlin had been there when Arthur’s father had disowned him for being gay, when his sister had shown up pregnant and alone and Arthur had been there for Merlin when he found out that his mother had breast cancer. Arthur had been by Merlin’s side, through that terrible time holding him as he broke down after the funeral, cleaning Merlin up after he’d given up and slit his wrists.

The day Arthur had walked into the bathroom to find his oldest and best friend with tears on his cheeks and blood welling in the gashes on his thin wrists. Arthur’s heart had broken and together with his sister, Morgana, they’d convinced Merlin to get help which he had and it had been about five years since that day.

Merlin had only recently started wearing the bracelets, about six months if Arthur’s memory served right. His best friend had got out a relationship with his boyfriend, Will, and Arthur had asked him if he’d started cutting again.

Smiling a little Merlin had taken off the bracelets and Arthur had run his finger over the old scars “Will didn’t like them. They made him uncomfortable and I thought if they make him uncomfortable then who else doesn’t like them? Who else am I pushing away simply by showing them?”

A few months ago they’d started this friends-with-benefits sexual relationship, Merlin and Arthur had been drunk and lamenting the lack of constant sex that being single offered. Somehow they’d agreed to fuck each other until one of them was in a steady relationship, Arthur wasn’t sure about Merlin but he’d stopped dating preferring to have what he did with Merlin than lose it by having a relationship.

Merlin stirred and Arthur jerked backwards so he was lying on his back with his eyes closed pretending to be asleep when Merlin looked over at him. The bed shifted and Merlin’s scent, heady with sex, filled his nostrils and Arthur let his mouth fall open barely stifling a gasp when Merlin’s lips brushed his mouth. His tongue flicking against Arthur’s lower lip before he drew away and off the bed, Arthur waited until he heard the shower turn on before he opened his eyes.

Briefly touching his lips, savouring the feel of Merlin’s lips against his. They never kissed during their encounters, it had never been discussed but they both seemed to agree it was something too personal for ‘fuck buddies’ just like how they each showered separately afterwards, never showing up to meet their friends together. Careful measures put in place to create a sense of distance that wasn’t there and yet was way too real.

Making the executive decision Arthur got out of bed and padded to the bathroom, the door was ajar and he could see Merlin’s bracelets next to the sink. Pushing the door open even more Arthur stepped inside intent on joining Merlin in the shower when the shimmer of light his something silver and Arthur saw a razor blade next to the bracelets.

Heart sinking into his stomach and the cold grip of fear settled over Arthur as he stared at Merlin through the foggy glass door. Mentally preparing himself for the inevitable confrontation Arthur moved across the cold tiles and slid into the shower behind Merlin.  
Jumping when Arthur’s hands gripped his hips Merlin tried to turn in his grasp but Arthur’s grip was unforgiving so the dark haired man twisted his neck. “Arthur- what?”

Arthur used his body to press Merlin into the titles his hips pressing into Merlin’s arse while his hands shifted from the bony hips to Merlin’s slender wrists. “No” Merlin whimpered when Arthur grabbed his left wrist twisting it until he saw what he was looking for; pink lines of healing scars, red scabbing over the more recent ones and the white of the old scars.

“You told me you weren’t” Arthur hissed, thrust his hips forward so his erection was between Merlin’s cheeks.

“I wasn’t” Merlin pleaded even as his hips angled backwards almost as if he were asking for punishment.

“You lied to me” Arthur gave a particularly harsh thrust when he felt his cock catching on Merlin’s rim. Pausing when his head broke the ring of muscle of Merlin’s slightly lose but still slick hole Arthur bit Merlin’s shoulder. “You lied to me, Merlin.”

“No, no” Merlin cried and pushed back drawing Arthur’s cock deeper. “I didn’t lie when you asked, I wasn’t. I swear, I swear” he whispered.

Hands clenching on Merlin’s wrists Arthur saw red, one of the cuts had opened under his pressure and started to bleed. Blood mixing with the water on the floor of the shower stall and Arthur watched it swirl down the plug hole before pulling out of Merlin slowly.

“Why?” He asked and when Merlin merely shook his head Arthur thrust is harshly, fast and rough, “why?” He shouted at Merlin.

“Because you don’t love me” Merlin cried out after a few more vicious thrusts from Arthur when both their emotions were high as they were moments away from their climax.

“Don’t you get it” Arthur gritted out as his thrust became more erratic, “Merlin. Merlin I do love you.”

Letting out a half sob, half moan Merlin let himself go and came in spurts of the tiles convulsing around Arthur’s erection. Feeling his lover come sent Arthur over the edge and he moaned Merlin’s name reverently over and over like a prayer, against his skin.

Slumping against the wall Merlin stayed there as Arthur pulled out and watched as his lover panted and gasped for air. Arthur watched the water falling down his face was not convinced it was all from the shower, he was sure some of them were tears. This thought spurred him into motion and he turned the shower off stepping out to pick up a towel before wrapping it around Merlin.

Arthur dried Merlin off and tenderly dressed his wrists with bandages he found in the cupboard under the sink. Quickly drying himself off Arthur then led Merlin back into the bedroom and sat his lover on the bed then kneeling before him, arms resting on Merlin’s knees his fingers gently stroking over the bandages.

“Did I hurt you?” Arthur’s voice was hoarse and cracked, but when Merlin smiled softly and his hand cupped the back of Arthur’s head, it didn’t matter.

“No. No more than I hurt you anyway” Merlin’s free hand traced over Arthur’s forehead down his nose, brushing over his lips and up his cheek where Arthur nuzzled into Merlin’s palm.

“I do love you Merlin. Tell me you know that?”

“I-“ Merlin looked away from Arthur’s bright eyes and down at his own naked body. The nudity didn’t make him feel any more or less vulnerable, the stark white of the bandages around his wrists did.

Arthur shifted so he was sitting next to Merlin on the bed, evening their level once more; first with their nudity and now with their literal level.  
“I’m in love with you Merlin and it’s breaking my heart that you think you have to hide this. Hide how you feel, from me.”

“I thought you just wanted sex, I can’t do that with you Arthur. I don’t think I ever could” Merlin took a deep breath, his chest was tight and he couldn’t breathe. “I love you so much, Arthur. Arthur-“ he fell into the broader man’s chest pressing kisses to the skin there revelling in the feel of Arthur holding him and his large hand stroking down his spine.

“Promise me you’ll stop. You’ll talk to me Merlin and we’ll work through this together. Just promise me you’ll talk to me.” Merlin lifted his head and his breath hitched at how close he was to Arthur. “I don’t want to lose you Merlin. I’m so scared you’ll go too far” Arthur whispered.

“Okay, I’ll get help and I’ll stop. I don’t want to die I just wanted it to stop hurting.”

Arthur’s thumb brushed the tears from Merlin’s cheeks, ignoring the ones falling from his own eyes, “I know, love."

“Just stay with me.”

Arthur knew Merlin didn’t mean just staying alive he meant staying with Merlin until they were old and grey. “You’re my best friend Merlin, you’re the best thing that ever happened to me and I love you.”

“I love you too” Merlin smiled and pressed his lips to Arthur in their first, proper kiss, relishing in the feel of Arthur’s lips moving against his own, the slick slide of Arthur’s tongue in his mouth and curling around his tongue.

It would be a difficult road for them but like everything else they’d faced they would fare better off together. Climbing onto Arthur’s lap Merlin knew he belonged in his lover’s strong arms as it was the safest place in the world.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Pressure](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13772052) by [250DarkStarsandFearless](https://archiveofourown.org/users/250DarkStarsandFearless/pseuds/250DarkStarsandFearless)




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